The Mirroring Beast. : Post abuse letter to my Narc.

The Mirroring Beast. : Post abuse letter to my Narc.: Saw you today while out doing some things.   I recognized the way you walk, the stance, the leer, the tilt of your head.   If I could g...

Praying for Relief

This morning once again, I was accosted by my phone regarding my ex-Narcissist.  It's maddening to me to disengage from such toxic negative people.  All they do is threaten and cause disturbances to your life.  They will always in their typical insidious and underhanded way get a very sick enjoyment out of causing you pain and suffering.

For instance not only has my Narcissist insisted that I respond to inanity by bombing me with excessive multiple texts and attempts at contact, he has also now started harassing me by proxy.  What that means is he's now gotten friends and those that he has convinced to help him out with him campaign to smear me and my family in  any possible way.  No matter how often I have told him that I want nothing to do with him and that I do not want to speak to him, text to him, in fact want nothing in the world to even ever have to lay my eyes on him again, he insists that were still getting back together.  It's reached a point where it is actually scary.  I know that is his aim as it always was-which was to frighten me into backing down to him as I had done for so long before I finally ended it.

I've sat and prayed for my health and happiness. To please just make him stop and go away.  When your narcissist starts harassing and calling and contacting your friends and family and they call you up to ask if your okay, it gives one the chilling sense of reality that your psycho-ex is never going to let you go.  It was so disturbing to me that I started to cry immediately.  It triggered a C-PTSD attack which is almost unbearable to talk myself through.  There have been days recently where no one would know but I got no sleep due to constant harassing attempts to contact me.  I have tried very hard to maintain the no contact rule as a protection for myself but I am not sure how to handle his menacing and threatening calls and texts.  I did a little self care a few days ago by realizing that his old text messages which I had not deleted yet were still on my phone.  Rather than use them against him, I decided to just delete it from my phone and my life as it was a thorn in my side to know that his name and his ugly words were on my phone and I could see them.  Even seeing his name, writing his name in any correspondence fills me with anxiety.  I am so upset at the fact that he thinks he's going to get away with it.  That he is going to have a chance to ruin my life.

He should know as all abusers do that whether he likes it or not, I am done, I was done and its over and nothing in the world or in heaven will drag me back.  I would rather die than go back to such a toxic, negative ill relationship with a man devoid of a conscience and makes excuses for hurting others.  There is no way back into my life or heart and he knows it.  Even if he managed to take everything I have, succeed at every attempt to harm my life I STILL would never go back.

I have tried to be nice because I still believe in treating all people with respect-even if they do not deserve it.  I deserve to not be further damaged spiritually and emotionally by such toxic people.  I've said it before but I refuse to let him make me act in a way contrary to my values.  I will not act as he does.  I just wont.  I think that is what continues to fuel his anger at me.  Well no more.  I've had it with him and his abuse.  My friends have tried in kindness to tell me to go and block him and get a restraining order if I can.  What they dont know is that my PTSD is severely triggered by courtrooms.  Just walking into a court building causes me to cry and freak out.  It takes me weeks of building myself up enough to get the courage to walk into one.  I have been abused legally by my ex in the past as well so just being in a court room causes breathing problems.  The only way I was able to do it the last time was by having a friend go with me cause my fear was overwhelming.  

I continue to do what I can to continue on in spite of his sporadic and insane attempts to distract me from my happy life.  It's just not worth it.  The peace that I feel these days though lonely at times, comforts me at night. How easy I smile now and the laughter that comes so easily is proof that I made the right choice.  So I suppose that I'm just quietly waiting to meet someone, someday who will value all who I am.  Whether or not I find him at this point is really beyond the point.  Just knowing that one day I can find someone is the best part.  Hope.

Samantha

Post abuse letter to my Narc.

Saw you today while out doing some things.  I recognized the way you walk, the stance, the leer, the tilt of your head.  If I could go back several years and instead of wedding bells.  Hear the warning siren of alarm bells ringing, How things would be so different.  A heart so wounded, so  frightened of my own choices.  Pretend to be strong and enduring when inside I’m alone and wondering.  No room to think of all the dreams you killed in multiple affairs and lies.  Seeing you walk away with your swagger so obviously trolling for the next probable victim so young and unsuspecting.  Pursuing your conquests with delicious anticipation of destroying their beauty, their desires hopes and dreams.  

 A dream   catcher  and trapper.  Funny to say and even sadder to know that in cutting myself loose, somewhere out there is your next victim.  Who wont see your smile for the evil sneer, wont know that your laugh is at her expense, the way in which he walks to control your every moment and then your thought, his bit by bit reducing your space your time into little pieces of his construction.  You wont see his leer and that his greatest achievement will always be destroying the castle that symbolizes all who you are.  He will walk into your life and you will let him thinking him to be all that he convincingly portrays.  That mirror of his beauty is not his but yours reflected back to you.  That is why he chooses us as his.  We are shining beacons of light in his very dark and desperate world.  We are his drug of choice and he will never get enough.  Already taken what was never his to take.  I wish you would not give him a word, a glance…like a living corpse he walks among us as fake.  Nothing inside but empty shelves save for the feminine souls he stole. 

Save one…my heart he could not destroy.  Fighting always to get out and protect my soul from his monstrous control.  Valuing what I learned as a little girl.   My value never failed to myself or my hate for that soulless specter.  Kept me strong to the day when I finally said no more, not another second wasted on a single thought or nibbling question looking for answers.  The answer no longer mattered.  Just the journey that walking back into the light and all that it meant to me.  Taking back my life, not caring about the scars I acquired.  Trusting in my natural goodness to give me the strength to not look back. 

Whoever you victim next I wish her the very best.  My life is no longer defined by you or your lies.  You were dead to me long ago and not a day goes by that I miss you.  You and everything you are was trash and the effort it took to put you to the curb with the rest of the useless trash was worth it.  Your lies, your mouth, your entire way of being stinks with your lack of morality.  Best day of my life was kicking you out. 

As I sit writing this I look around me at my happy house, with my happy children and a smile on my face.  My future is full of hope and love and you will be nothing to me but a stranger on the street.  Passing and insignificant.  Your life nothing but a bad memory.

Samantha

Letting go of those who dont understand or stand by you now

Today's quip above was found on Facebook this morning.  Really liked the straight forwardness of this meme.  Very true and so clear like the light we shine on abuse and the perpetrators of abuse.  Monday's are my day to get tuned in to the rest of the week and get all my scheduling on board as my weeks tend to get busier down to the weekend.  So most people don't like Mondays but I do because its my day that I schedule out my days which helps to make me feel more in control of what happens to me during the week.

For those of us with various emotional roadblocks to overcome feeling in control of what we can manage is hugely important.  I have literally gotten back into bed and wanted to cry some days when I couldn't even wrap my mind around what I needed to get accomplished because I had waited till the day something needed to get done.  I've learned through lots of trial and error to have a very defined schedule.  I do so much better when I do.  There is a very large toll I have to bear through when I don't do this.  Though it doesn't seem to show to others when I am not prepared but myself and my family suffer when I cant get it together.  So as usual after I am done writing my posts for the day I will work on my scheduling with kids appointments, Doctors, service days and visits not to mention household chores.  A nice benefit to this now is that I am fairly efficient at scheduling, which was never my strong point.  But now back to the reason for this post.

It occured to me in the last couple of days, that there are people during the gentle time of your recovery from such a toxic relationship that could harm your progress or your gentle and very fragile soul.  Sometimes its those that you at first put a little hope in that they might grow into a close friendship or perhaps even more.  Who knows right?  Well as in my case especially I found myself to be woefully not able to handle the insecurities from my previous abusive and terrifying nature of my Narc.  It was with the horrible revelation that despite my strengths, my profound degree of happy optimism that I was in no way ready or able to maintain a certain level of friendship especially with those of the opposite sex at this time.  Established friendships that I've had for years that are still healthy are the only exception.  I just suddenly recently came to the conclusion that what my Narc took away from me was years of my youth, my life, my hopes and dreams.  I feel like I've been going through a dark and scary underground tunnel for the last 4 years.  Desperately looking for a way out.  Now that I have it I feel like the freedom of choice is scarier than the dark.  It is freezing and triggers my PTSD so intensely at times that I just want to run and hide from the world.  At the same time I want to grab it and hold it in my hand and live for the moments that I've lost trapped in the hopeless relationship with my Narc that I was in.

Since I have been free I have made it a point to do as that meme above states.  I tell the truth even when it hurts.  Even when I dont want to admit it to myself.  I don't want to bring any part of my past into my future that will not serve me well.  Because of that I think I scare people off because I expect the same treatment of myself.  For too long I accepted way less than I deserve and subsequently I depleted all my resources in every facet of my personality.  Since I can not and will not do that anymore I've had to decide to cut out people from my life who can not or will not accept me for who I am now.  It hurts cause recently I have had to do that some relationships in my life that I would have preferred to have fostered but in the end I do not believe it to have been good for me to have held on.

My advice to you on this journey is to be mindful, look out for how you are feeling because those things are what will guide you into trusting your instincts again.

Samantha

Somatic Narcissism and the Love Bomb.

I'd like to talk about something regarding the attraction between normals versus narcissists.  According to Author Sam Vaknin, self proclaimed Malignant Narcissist and expert on the disorder he asserts that there are two distinct forms of narcissism; cerebral and somatic.  In my particular experience I believe mine to be a somatic narcissist.  I don't believe that one is worse or more traumatic than the other. Malignant narcs in any form will severely damage your persona, but I digress.

As I sit here musing about whatever seems to sit on the tip of the mind listening to Taylor Swift's record Red on itunes and it dawned on me that in my case with my narc, that very often we had explosive chemistry.  I recall how strong it seemed to be.  It was strange and at once wonderful and scary and absolutely consuming of time and thought.  That is when the thought  occured to me that his strength in his narcissism was his ability to exude somatic power of me and probably any woman he targeted.  Especially if you are a normal and have the normal range of emotions its extremely powerful to be targeted by a somatic narc.  He will win you over with affection and adoration that you've never experienced before.  He will look deeply into your eyes and you will feel his gaze deep in your soul.  You will feel like the only woman in the world and every fiber of your being will be on fire simultaneously with growing love, affection and his hold on you will tighten and tighten.  I liken it to a bug being drawn to the pulsing light of a bug zapper.  Interesting metaphor which so aptly fits what a somatic attack feels like.  Our natural inclination to love and be loved is the perfect ingredient for a somatic narc.  In a normal man, that desire and affection is in a normal range but in a narc they love bomb us and by the time you begin to realize that its too late....you are already hooked in.  Literally like a drug, when he withdraws his love and affection it defines us with an almost physical pain.  Some might say well that that sounds like a bad break-up.  What's the big deal?  Well....the pain you experience after he's already hooked you to the emptiness that is left by his void is so much deeper because the love was never equal or fair to begin with.  The victim was not in a fair fight to begin with.  Like salt in a wound we are alone and no one seems to know how much it hurts.  We begin to wonder to ourselves what we did wrong?  Did I say something?  Is he just busy?  Am I getting fat?  What in the world have I done to be his whole world and then suddenly he drop out of orbit as fast as it began?

Then just when you think that perhaps he wasn't the "one", that maybe you were wrong he instantly pops up again and love bombs us again.  We become so used to this cycle and the ups and downs, that we may develop the mind that we should be grateful when he decides to come back and grace us with his loving adoration.

If it was funny I would laugh because looking back on it now it seems so ridiculous and flat out insane.  Is love a form of insanity?  I think not, but in this case what you experience with a malignant narcissist isn't real love.  It's  love bombing which is a substitute for real love.  Real love is all about connection and communication and that is the one quality a malignant narc does not have and is not capable of learning.  Face the facts, he doesn't want to learn.  If you are not serving their need for attention then you do not deserve their "special" brand of love.  So if you have needs of your own, children to attend to, stuck in traffic, sick at home, on the phone etc...expect to be treated with the utmost disdain and expect punishment in the form of withdrawal and witholding.  For a somatic narcissist this is his bread and butter.  He is the expert.   Infidelity, if you are married will become an eventual  reality, he is capable of entertaining several targets at once and making each one feel like the only one. He will show off his body, his muscles in multiple attempts to garner his supply of adoring females.   Happily he takes and takes with no intent of giving back what he takes in equal measure.

Having survived my encounter with my malignant narcissist I can tell you that you can break that hold on your heart as much as it hurts to do so.  One day you will start to replace those old hurts with a new memory and though there's always going to be doubts, you can work through it.  I'll be the voice that whispers to keep away.  Live, find true love, don't settle for what you already know will never love you back.  You deserve better.  We all do.

Trying to talk to a Narcissist-Hard Lesson Learned

Today I'd like to talk about is there ever a good time to talk to your Narc? 

I had a weak moment in interacting with mine recently and truly I feel like I just got emotionally beaten up.  Even when you do your best to distance yourself in every way possible.  You've built walls beyond walls to protect your heart and your self-esteem, just being around a Narc causes extreme harm to your self image.  Fundamentally I realized in one sweeping moment by my reaction to his verbal/emotional abuse, even though it was subtle at first is never going to change.  They will never suddenly wake up one morning and feel bad for all the hurtful things they've said, the bad names they've called you, their rages against you because you show how vulnerable you are because of wanting them (your Narc) to realize if only they would stop.  If only they would consider your feelings, then you might be able to forgive them and things could get better.

I learned the hard way, the hardest way possible that with a Malignant Narcissist it will never EVER get better.  It's a losing battle.  Like wrestling with pigs, your the only one that gets hurt and dirty and as the saying goes, the Pig likes it.  It's just best to cut off and avoid them at all costs.  For me the cost might very well be my ability to trust another man in the future.  I dont know at this time. 

They are masterful at their ability to mirror normal people with normal emotions and feelings.  I'm considered  very empathetic and even I was fooled hook, line and sinker.  So dont ever think that the average Malignant Narc is lurking in corners and alleyways.  They are trolling internet dating sites, manufacturing elaborate lifestyles and outright lying to anyone and everyone they can get to.  That is the crux of the problem and the solution.  We just need to learn how to turn a deaf ear to these mirroring beasts disguised as humans.  Truly I cannot express the need to have no contact with Narcs.  You risk your very soul, your life, your future.  You risk YOU at such a fundamental level that if you dont get out, you probably never will.

Be Mindful and Don't Give the Narcissist a path back in to your LIFE!

The Mirroring Beast. : Coming alive again

The Mirroring Beast. : Coming alive again:   I found this piece while perusing Facebook late one evening.  I often do that when I find it hard to sleep and I just need to unwi...