Praying for Relief

This morning once again, I was accosted by my phone regarding my ex-Narcissist.  It's maddening to me to disengage from such toxic negative people.  All they do is threaten and cause disturbances to your life.  They will always in their typical insidious and underhanded way get a very sick enjoyment out of causing you pain and suffering.

For instance not only has my Narcissist insisted that I respond to inanity by bombing me with excessive multiple texts and attempts at contact, he has also now started harassing me by proxy.  What that means is he's now gotten friends and those that he has convinced to help him out with him campaign to smear me and my family in  any possible way.  No matter how often I have told him that I want nothing to do with him and that I do not want to speak to him, text to him, in fact want nothing in the world to even ever have to lay my eyes on him again, he insists that were still getting back together.  It's reached a point where it is actually scary.  I know that is his aim as it always was-which was to frighten me into backing down to him as I had done for so long before I finally ended it.

I've sat and prayed for my health and happiness. To please just make him stop and go away.  When your narcissist starts harassing and calling and contacting your friends and family and they call you up to ask if your okay, it gives one the chilling sense of reality that your psycho-ex is never going to let you go.  It was so disturbing to me that I started to cry immediately.  It triggered a C-PTSD attack which is almost unbearable to talk myself through.  There have been days recently where no one would know but I got no sleep due to constant harassing attempts to contact me.  I have tried very hard to maintain the no contact rule as a protection for myself but I am not sure how to handle his menacing and threatening calls and texts.  I did a little self care a few days ago by realizing that his old text messages which I had not deleted yet were still on my phone.  Rather than use them against him, I decided to just delete it from my phone and my life as it was a thorn in my side to know that his name and his ugly words were on my phone and I could see them.  Even seeing his name, writing his name in any correspondence fills me with anxiety.  I am so upset at the fact that he thinks he's going to get away with it.  That he is going to have a chance to ruin my life.

He should know as all abusers do that whether he likes it or not, I am done, I was done and its over and nothing in the world or in heaven will drag me back.  I would rather die than go back to such a toxic, negative ill relationship with a man devoid of a conscience and makes excuses for hurting others.  There is no way back into my life or heart and he knows it.  Even if he managed to take everything I have, succeed at every attempt to harm my life I STILL would never go back.

I have tried to be nice because I still believe in treating all people with respect-even if they do not deserve it.  I deserve to not be further damaged spiritually and emotionally by such toxic people.  I've said it before but I refuse to let him make me act in a way contrary to my values.  I will not act as he does.  I just wont.  I think that is what continues to fuel his anger at me.  Well no more.  I've had it with him and his abuse.  My friends have tried in kindness to tell me to go and block him and get a restraining order if I can.  What they dont know is that my PTSD is severely triggered by courtrooms.  Just walking into a court building causes me to cry and freak out.  It takes me weeks of building myself up enough to get the courage to walk into one.  I have been abused legally by my ex in the past as well so just being in a court room causes breathing problems.  The only way I was able to do it the last time was by having a friend go with me cause my fear was overwhelming.  

I continue to do what I can to continue on in spite of his sporadic and insane attempts to distract me from my happy life.  It's just not worth it.  The peace that I feel these days though lonely at times, comforts me at night. How easy I smile now and the laughter that comes so easily is proof that I made the right choice.  So I suppose that I'm just quietly waiting to meet someone, someday who will value all who I am.  Whether or not I find him at this point is really beyond the point.  Just knowing that one day I can find someone is the best part.  Hope.

Samantha