For those of us with various emotional roadblocks to overcome feeling in control of what we can manage is hugely important. I have literally gotten back into bed and wanted to cry some days when I couldn't even wrap my mind around what I needed to get accomplished because I had waited till the day something needed to get done. I've learned through lots of trial and error to have a very defined schedule. I do so much better when I do. There is a very large toll I have to bear through when I don't do this. Though it doesn't seem to show to others when I am not prepared but myself and my family suffer when I cant get it together. So as usual after I am done writing my posts for the day I will work on my scheduling with kids appointments, Doctors, service days and visits not to mention household chores. A nice benefit to this now is that I am fairly efficient at scheduling, which was never my strong point. But now back to the reason for this post.
It occured to me in the last couple of days, that there are people during the gentle time of your recovery from such a toxic relationship that could harm your progress or your gentle and very fragile soul. Sometimes its those that you at first put a little hope in that they might grow into a close friendship or perhaps even more. Who knows right? Well as in my case especially I found myself to be woefully not able to handle the insecurities from my previous abusive and terrifying nature of my Narc. It was with the horrible revelation that despite my strengths, my profound degree of happy optimism that I was in no way ready or able to maintain a certain level of friendship especially with those of the opposite sex at this time. Established friendships that I've had for years that are still healthy are the only exception. I just suddenly recently came to the conclusion that what my Narc took away from me was years of my youth, my life, my hopes and dreams. I feel like I've been going through a dark and scary underground tunnel for the last 4 years. Desperately looking for a way out. Now that I have it I feel like the freedom of choice is scarier than the dark. It is freezing and triggers my PTSD so intensely at times that I just want to run and hide from the world. At the same time I want to grab it and hold it in my hand and live for the moments that I've lost trapped in the hopeless relationship with my Narc that I was in.
Since I have been free I have made it a point to do as that meme above states. I tell the truth even when it hurts. Even when I dont want to admit it to myself. I don't want to bring any part of my past into my future that will not serve me well. Because of that I think I scare people off because I expect the same treatment of myself. For too long I accepted way less than I deserve and subsequently I depleted all my resources in every facet of my personality. Since I can not and will not do that anymore I've had to decide to cut out people from my life who can not or will not accept me for who I am now. It hurts cause recently I have had to do that some relationships in my life that I would have preferred to have fostered but in the end I do not believe it to have been good for me to have held on.
My advice to you on this journey is to be mindful, look out for how you are feeling because those things are what will guide you into trusting your instincts again.
Samantha
