The Mirroring Beast. : Coming alive again

The Mirroring Beast. : Coming alive again:   I found this piece while perusing Facebook late one evening.  I often do that when I find it hard to sleep and I just need to unwi...

Coming alive again

 

I found this piece while perusing Facebook late one evening.  I often do that when I find it hard to sleep and I just need to unwind or find a mind numbing outlet until I begin to feel sleepy again.  This little poem embodies what drives one batty about recovering from a very toxic relationship involvement.  It seems that day by day you learn new little bits of his life that stab you straight in the heart.  Its such a mind and heart twist to be involved with someone so involved in their own best interest.  There is never any way to be with someone like that.  No matter how good you look, how successful, how kind and magnanimous, how loving and supportive you ever are you will never live up to the impossible standard of a Narc.  It is simply impossible.  So as hard as it is sometimes, inch by inch my battle to win back my independence is slowly being won.  You can too.  Just never give up.  Never be that girl again that let someone take away the best parts of who you are.

Samantha

Summer Perfume Vlog and little bit of a chat.

A happy update on the moments in my life outside of dealing with narcissists.  Hope you enjoy!

Today is a hard day

What really gets me the most is the ever present feeling of resentment towards your Narc.  That he left you to weather the storms of life alone.  I recall feeling alone for the last five years even though at times he was always around.  The void that he kept there that had me feel so alone in his company for so long.  It was an emotional desert.  I was terribly lonely and now that I am facing some pretty real physical chronic pain it makes me feel even more resentful.  Investing my time and love in a person who never intended on being there for me during hard times much less the so-called good times was a WASTE of time.  My precious years gone for no other reason than to be a play thing to a sick mirroring beast of a man.

Does it sound bitter to say that?  Probably but bitterness when I'm hurting and in pain and knowing that he could care less about me makes me feel bitter.  It makes me feel angry.  It makes me feel so darn resentful at the passive agressiveness that he doles out under the guise of working too hard to care, too busy to care, didn't get the message till many hours later etc.  It's such a waste.

If you ask why do I continue to waste my time even giving it the time of day to write about it here it is because its not him I'm really talking about.  It's me and the pain I'm enduring because of him.  I have a right to let it all out because I was never allowed to before.  I look forward to the day when I spend the full day a full week even without a single thought of him and his abuse.  It will be the best day of my life when my heart no longer hurts whenever I hear his name.  Even as I sit here at my laptop spilling these emotions out full bore-I am hurting, physically, emotionally, mentally.  Every vibration in my whole person is tinged with pain.

If I could cry I would.  Being so used to putting on a brave face for the world for so long I find it hard to cry nowadays.  It feels like a cruel joke.  He made me doubt my own self for so long that I cant be entirely sure of whether or not my tears are real.  For so often he would spit out scating words of hate and denunciation to me while I sat crying, begging for him to understand that what he said hurt me, that I needed and so desperately wanted him to care about how I felt.  I swear at times I saw him smile at the corner of his mouth.  A sneer.  A deadly and all telling sneer.

It occured to me months before he left us for the third and final time (because I would not take him back), that he must have enjoyed seeing me so hurt, to be so low.  What kind of human being laughs at anothers pain?  Does it make you laugh to see someone suffer?  I think if you are normal it would be make you cringe to think of that.  Dont we scold our children for laughing at someone falling down?  Doesn't it give you the creeps to know that they are out there?  These leeches of our goodness our life? Moving on is a process not a moment.  It's happening every day until that one day where a whole day goes by without one single nibbling thought of him crosses my mind.

S.

Narcs are assasains of your spirit, your life, your future.

This blog has been something I have been wanting to do for a very long time now.  It's been swirling around in my heart for as long as I've been subjected to a bad relationship now.  Why now?  Why did I finally start writing?  It's because as I have endured and survived and even overcome the horrible atrocities that he had put me through, I know that at least I have my life, my sanity, my family and I have a future.  I shudder to think of all those out there.  Beaten down to the point of submitting to these (crazies) and their selfish and insidious hate upon unwilling and unsuspecting victims.  For my part, since my Narc as I like to refer to him as is a man (or not in the send of the word, just the gender), my blog refers mostly to the male narc.  However I'm not ignoring those who are dealing with wounds inflicted from the female narc.  There are plenty of them out there too perpetrating abuse and crazy making and ruining lives of spouses and children.

This blog is my cathartic release, my reward, my broken heart given a voice, the anger deep inside from not being heard for so long throughout this torturous marriage that was a sham!  I have every right to get out of me all the poison he forcibly fed me for years.  I may never be able to fully express the level of hurt that I endured but I do know that I will never put myself in that situation again.  This blog is for all of us who are in the gentle period of recovery to take back what was lost because of surviving the train wreck of a narcissist or psychopath or sociopath etc.  We are gonna take back our lives.  Who we were before we let the Narc in our home and heart.

This is welcome to all who need help, support, information, a friend, a confidant.  I want to know that I am not alone is experiencing this.  I want to hear your stories of recovery, your hurt, what worked for you.  I think the narc expects to win thinking to always silence us because no one wants to think that they picked a narc to love (As if we did it on purpose, didn't you know they are the world's best liars, cause they have zero conscience?)

S.