Thursday, October 30, 2014
The Mirroring Beast. : Post abuse letter to my Narc.
The Mirroring Beast. : Post abuse letter to my Narc.: Saw you today while out doing some things. I recognized the way you walk, the stance, the leer, the tilt of your head. If I could g...
Praying for Relief
This morning once again, I was accosted by my phone regarding my ex-Narcissist. It's maddening to me to disengage from such toxic negative people. All they do is threaten and cause disturbances to your life. They will always in their typical insidious and underhanded way get a very sick enjoyment out of causing you pain and suffering.
For instance not only has my Narcissist insisted that I respond to inanity by bombing me with excessive multiple texts and attempts at contact, he has also now started harassing me by proxy. What that means is he's now gotten friends and those that he has convinced to help him out with him campaign to smear me and my family in any possible way. No matter how often I have told him that I want nothing to do with him and that I do not want to speak to him, text to him, in fact want nothing in the world to even ever have to lay my eyes on him again, he insists that were still getting back together. It's reached a point where it is actually scary. I know that is his aim as it always was-which was to frighten me into backing down to him as I had done for so long before I finally ended it.
I've sat and prayed for my health and happiness. To please just make him stop and go away. When your narcissist starts harassing and calling and contacting your friends and family and they call you up to ask if your okay, it gives one the chilling sense of reality that your psycho-ex is never going to let you go. It was so disturbing to me that I started to cry immediately. It triggered a C-PTSD attack which is almost unbearable to talk myself through. There have been days recently where no one would know but I got no sleep due to constant harassing attempts to contact me. I have tried very hard to maintain the no contact rule as a protection for myself but I am not sure how to handle his menacing and threatening calls and texts. I did a little self care a few days ago by realizing that his old text messages which I had not deleted yet were still on my phone. Rather than use them against him, I decided to just delete it from my phone and my life as it was a thorn in my side to know that his name and his ugly words were on my phone and I could see them. Even seeing his name, writing his name in any correspondence fills me with anxiety. I am so upset at the fact that he thinks he's going to get away with it. That he is going to have a chance to ruin my life.
He should know as all abusers do that whether he likes it or not, I am done, I was done and its over and nothing in the world or in heaven will drag me back. I would rather die than go back to such a toxic, negative ill relationship with a man devoid of a conscience and makes excuses for hurting others. There is no way back into my life or heart and he knows it. Even if he managed to take everything I have, succeed at every attempt to harm my life I STILL would never go back.
I have tried to be nice because I still believe in treating all people with respect-even if they do not deserve it. I deserve to not be further damaged spiritually and emotionally by such toxic people. I've said it before but I refuse to let him make me act in a way contrary to my values. I will not act as he does. I just wont. I think that is what continues to fuel his anger at me. Well no more. I've had it with him and his abuse. My friends have tried in kindness to tell me to go and block him and get a restraining order if I can. What they dont know is that my PTSD is severely triggered by courtrooms. Just walking into a court building causes me to cry and freak out. It takes me weeks of building myself up enough to get the courage to walk into one. I have been abused legally by my ex in the past as well so just being in a court room causes breathing problems. The only way I was able to do it the last time was by having a friend go with me cause my fear was overwhelming.
I continue to do what I can to continue on in spite of his sporadic and insane attempts to distract me from my happy life. It's just not worth it. The peace that I feel these days though lonely at times, comforts me at night. How easy I smile now and the laughter that comes so easily is proof that I made the right choice. So I suppose that I'm just quietly waiting to meet someone, someday who will value all who I am. Whether or not I find him at this point is really beyond the point. Just knowing that one day I can find someone is the best part. Hope.
Samantha
For instance not only has my Narcissist insisted that I respond to inanity by bombing me with excessive multiple texts and attempts at contact, he has also now started harassing me by proxy. What that means is he's now gotten friends and those that he has convinced to help him out with him campaign to smear me and my family in any possible way. No matter how often I have told him that I want nothing to do with him and that I do not want to speak to him, text to him, in fact want nothing in the world to even ever have to lay my eyes on him again, he insists that were still getting back together. It's reached a point where it is actually scary. I know that is his aim as it always was-which was to frighten me into backing down to him as I had done for so long before I finally ended it.
I've sat and prayed for my health and happiness. To please just make him stop and go away. When your narcissist starts harassing and calling and contacting your friends and family and they call you up to ask if your okay, it gives one the chilling sense of reality that your psycho-ex is never going to let you go. It was so disturbing to me that I started to cry immediately. It triggered a C-PTSD attack which is almost unbearable to talk myself through. There have been days recently where no one would know but I got no sleep due to constant harassing attempts to contact me. I have tried very hard to maintain the no contact rule as a protection for myself but I am not sure how to handle his menacing and threatening calls and texts. I did a little self care a few days ago by realizing that his old text messages which I had not deleted yet were still on my phone. Rather than use them against him, I decided to just delete it from my phone and my life as it was a thorn in my side to know that his name and his ugly words were on my phone and I could see them. Even seeing his name, writing his name in any correspondence fills me with anxiety. I am so upset at the fact that he thinks he's going to get away with it. That he is going to have a chance to ruin my life.
He should know as all abusers do that whether he likes it or not, I am done, I was done and its over and nothing in the world or in heaven will drag me back. I would rather die than go back to such a toxic, negative ill relationship with a man devoid of a conscience and makes excuses for hurting others. There is no way back into my life or heart and he knows it. Even if he managed to take everything I have, succeed at every attempt to harm my life I STILL would never go back.
I have tried to be nice because I still believe in treating all people with respect-even if they do not deserve it. I deserve to not be further damaged spiritually and emotionally by such toxic people. I've said it before but I refuse to let him make me act in a way contrary to my values. I will not act as he does. I just wont. I think that is what continues to fuel his anger at me. Well no more. I've had it with him and his abuse. My friends have tried in kindness to tell me to go and block him and get a restraining order if I can. What they dont know is that my PTSD is severely triggered by courtrooms. Just walking into a court building causes me to cry and freak out. It takes me weeks of building myself up enough to get the courage to walk into one. I have been abused legally by my ex in the past as well so just being in a court room causes breathing problems. The only way I was able to do it the last time was by having a friend go with me cause my fear was overwhelming.
I continue to do what I can to continue on in spite of his sporadic and insane attempts to distract me from my happy life. It's just not worth it. The peace that I feel these days though lonely at times, comforts me at night. How easy I smile now and the laughter that comes so easily is proof that I made the right choice. So I suppose that I'm just quietly waiting to meet someone, someday who will value all who I am. Whether or not I find him at this point is really beyond the point. Just knowing that one day I can find someone is the best part. Hope.
Samantha
Post abuse letter to my Narc.
Saw
you today while out doing some things. I
recognized the way you walk, the stance, the leer, the tilt of your head. If I could go back several years and instead
of wedding bells. Hear the warning siren
of alarm bells ringing, How things would be so different. A heart so wounded, so frightened of my own choices. Pretend to be strong and enduring when inside
I’m alone and wondering. No room to
think of all the dreams you killed in multiple affairs and lies. Seeing you walk away with your swagger so
obviously trolling for the next probable victim so young and unsuspecting. Pursuing your conquests with delicious
anticipation of destroying their beauty, their desires hopes and
dreams.
A dream catcher
and trapper. Funny to say and even sadder to know that in
cutting myself loose, somewhere out there is your next victim. Who wont see your smile for the evil sneer,
wont know that your laugh is at her expense, the way in which he walks to control
your every moment and then your thought, his bit by bit reducing your space
your time into little pieces of his construction. You wont see his leer and that his greatest
achievement will always be destroying the castle that symbolizes all who you are. He will walk into your life and you will let
him thinking him to be all that he convincingly portrays. That mirror of his beauty is not his but
yours reflected back to you. That is why
he chooses us as his. We are shining
beacons of light in his very dark and desperate world. We are his drug of choice and he will never
get enough. Already taken what was never
his to take. I wish you would not give
him a word, a glance…like a living corpse he walks among us as fake. Nothing inside but empty shelves save for the
feminine souls he stole.
Save
one…my heart he could not destroy.
Fighting always to get out and protect my soul from his monstrous
control. Valuing what I learned as a
little girl. My value never failed to
myself or my hate for that soulless specter.
Kept me strong to the day when I finally said no more, not another
second wasted on a single thought or nibbling question looking for
answers. The answer no longer mattered. Just the journey that walking back into the
light and all that it meant to me.
Taking back my life, not caring about the scars I acquired. Trusting in my natural goodness to give me
the strength to not look back.
Whoever
you victim next I wish her the very best.
My life is no longer defined by you or your lies. You were dead to me long ago and not a day
goes by that I miss you. You and
everything you are was trash and the effort it took to put you to the curb with
the rest of the useless trash was worth it.
Your lies, your mouth, your entire way of being stinks with your lack of
morality. Best day of my life was
kicking you out.
As
I sit writing this I look around me at my happy house, with my happy children
and a smile on my face. My future is
full of hope and love and you will be nothing to me but a stranger on the
street. Passing and insignificant. Your life nothing but a bad memory.
Samantha
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