What really gets me the most is the ever present feeling of resentment towards your Narc. That he left you to weather the storms of life alone. I recall feeling alone for the last five years even though at times he was always around. The void that he kept there that had me feel so alone in his company for so long. It was an emotional desert. I was terribly lonely and now that I am facing some pretty real physical chronic pain it makes me feel even more resentful. Investing my time and love in a person who never intended on being there for me during hard times much less the so-called good times was a WASTE of time. My precious years gone for no other reason than to be a play thing to a sick mirroring beast of a man.
Does it sound bitter to say that? Probably but bitterness when I'm hurting and in pain and knowing that he could care less about me makes me feel bitter. It makes me feel angry. It makes me feel so darn resentful at the passive agressiveness that he doles out under the guise of working too hard to care, too busy to care, didn't get the message till many hours later etc. It's such a waste.
If you ask why do I continue to waste my time even giving it the time of day to write about it here it is because its not him I'm really talking about. It's me and the pain I'm enduring because of him. I have a right to let it all out because I was never allowed to before. I look forward to the day when I spend the full day a full week even without a single thought of him and his abuse. It will be the best day of my life when my heart no longer hurts whenever I hear his name. Even as I sit here at my laptop spilling these emotions out full bore-I am hurting, physically, emotionally, mentally. Every vibration in my whole person is tinged with pain.
If I could cry I would. Being so used to putting on a brave face for the world for so long I find it hard to cry nowadays. It feels like a cruel joke. He made me doubt my own self for so long that I cant be entirely sure of whether or not my tears are real. For so often he would spit out scating words of hate and denunciation to me while I sat crying, begging for him to understand that what he said hurt me, that I needed and so desperately wanted him to care about how I felt. I swear at times I saw him smile at the corner of his mouth. A sneer. A deadly and all telling sneer.
It occured to me months before he left us for the third and final time (because I would not take him back), that he must have enjoyed seeing me so hurt, to be so low. What kind of human being laughs at anothers pain? Does it make you laugh to see someone suffer? I think if you are normal it would be make you cringe to think of that. Dont we scold our children for laughing at someone falling down? Doesn't it give you the creeps to know that they are out there? These leeches of our goodness our life? Moving on is a process not a moment. It's happening every day until that one day where a whole day goes by without one single nibbling thought of him crosses my mind.
S.
No comments:
Post a Comment