I'd like to talk about something regarding the attraction between normals versus narcissists. According to Author Sam Vaknin, self proclaimed Malignant Narcissist and expert on the disorder he asserts that there are two distinct forms of narcissism; cerebral and somatic. In my particular experience I believe mine to be a somatic narcissist. I don't believe that one is worse or more traumatic than the other. Malignant narcs in any form will severely damage your persona, but I digress.
As I sit here musing about whatever seems to sit on the tip of the mind listening to Taylor Swift's record Red on itunes and it dawned on me that in my case with my narc, that very often we had explosive chemistry. I recall how strong it seemed to be. It was strange and at once wonderful and scary and absolutely consuming of time and thought. That is when the thought occured to me that his strength in his narcissism was his ability to exude somatic power of me and probably any woman he targeted. Especially if you are a normal and have the normal range of emotions its extremely powerful to be targeted by a somatic narc. He will win you over with affection and adoration that you've never experienced before. He will look deeply into your eyes and you will feel his gaze deep in your soul. You will feel like the only woman in the world and every fiber of your being will be on fire simultaneously with growing love, affection and his hold on you will tighten and tighten. I liken it to a bug being drawn to the pulsing light of a bug zapper. Interesting metaphor which so aptly fits what a somatic attack feels like. Our natural inclination to love and be loved is the perfect ingredient for a somatic narc. In a normal man, that desire and affection is in a normal range but in a narc they love bomb us and by the time you begin to realize that its too late....you are already hooked in. Literally like a drug, when he withdraws his love and affection it defines us with an almost physical pain. Some might say well that that sounds like a bad break-up. What's the big deal? Well....the pain you experience after he's already hooked you to the emptiness that is left by his void is so much deeper because the love was never equal or fair to begin with. The victim was not in a fair fight to begin with. Like salt in a wound we are alone and no one seems to know how much it hurts. We begin to wonder to ourselves what we did wrong? Did I say something? Is he just busy? Am I getting fat? What in the world have I done to be his whole world and then suddenly he drop out of orbit as fast as it began?
Then just when you think that perhaps he wasn't the "one", that maybe you were wrong he instantly pops up again and love bombs us again. We become so used to this cycle and the ups and downs, that we may develop the mind that we should be grateful when he decides to come back and grace us with his loving adoration.
If it was funny I would laugh because looking back on it now it seems so ridiculous and flat out insane. Is love a form of insanity? I think not, but in this case what you experience with a malignant narcissist isn't real love. It's love bombing which is a substitute for real love. Real love is all about connection and communication and that is the one quality a malignant narc does not have and is not capable of learning. Face the facts, he doesn't want to learn. If you are not serving their need for attention then you do not deserve their "special" brand of love. So if you have needs of your own, children to attend to, stuck in traffic, sick at home, on the phone etc...expect to be treated with the utmost disdain and expect punishment in the form of withdrawal and witholding. For a somatic narcissist this is his bread and butter. He is the expert. Infidelity, if you are married will become an eventual reality, he is capable of entertaining several targets at once and making each one feel like the only one. He will show off his body, his muscles in multiple attempts to garner his supply of adoring females. Happily he takes and takes with no intent of giving back what he takes in equal measure.
Having survived my encounter with my malignant narcissist I can tell you that you can break that hold on your heart as much as it hurts to do so. One day you will start to replace those old hurts with a new memory and though there's always going to be doubts, you can work through it. I'll be the voice that whispers to keep away. Live, find true love, don't settle for what you already know will never love you back. You deserve better. We all do.
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